God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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