So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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