We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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