I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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