I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
