Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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