if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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