if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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