I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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