last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
