How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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