on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
