Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
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She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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