someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
