There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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