Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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