I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
