Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
