so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
