Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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