Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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