why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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