i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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