In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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