I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
