My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
