Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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