We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
