wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
