I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
