I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
