"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
