We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
