I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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