I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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