Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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