Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
