you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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