checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
