I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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