I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
