you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
