I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
