i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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