I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
