She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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