Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
