i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
