Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?