im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
