I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
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i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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